 | Every dynamic believer eventually deals with the heartache of cutting ties with an ichabod, hypocritical, and/or heretical church. The most painful aspect of the process is getting back out there and rebuilding your circle of spiritual family fellowship. We support the 12-step plan which was developed by the theologians at Narcissia & recently published by the council of Babylon (BEE) You know what’s the literal worst? Going through all the trouble to put on your best clothes from the hip retailers at the mall, drive all the way to church, and worship the Lord Most High—only to realize later that not a single person even noticed your anointing the whole time you were singing God’s praises and having the Word of God preached to you. Everyone’s eyes were on the worship band or on the pastor. The. Literal. WORST. Don’t let it happen to you. Here are twelve tried-and-true methods for standing out from the crowd at the next worship service you attend. |
- Ditch the tambourine—upgrade to an air horn today. A dove-shaped tambourine is passé. Get a blessed air horn and blast that sucker when the mood strikes.
- Be the first one to stand when the bridge hits. This takes skill and practice. Stand too early and you’re just that weird guy who stands all the time. Stand too late and you’re just part of the crowd. But time it just right and you’re a modern-day Moses leading the people to the Promised Land.
- Leap on stage and start pounding a cowbell during “Good, Good Father.” DINK! DINK! DINK! DINK!
- Close your eyes and whisper, “Yes, Lord” during announcements. Any idiot can do this during prayer. Show your unique spiritual sensitivity by whispering “Mmm, yes. Yes, Lord. Amen.” while the announcements guy is informing everyone about the upcoming pool party.
- Shout out, “FOUND IT!” when you manage to locate the morning’s passage in your Bible. How else will everyone know that you know exactly where the Gospel of Matthew is?
- Go forward for the altar call every single Sunday. Feign a few tears. Look as though you’re agonizing over the decision. Then stand and come forward, O sinner! Come home!
- “Amen” after literally every sentence the pastor says. “It’s great to be here this morning!” “Amen!” “Please turn with me to the book of Acts.” “Amen!” “And now, for our final sermon point.” “Amen!”
- Challenge every sermon point by shouting, “ACCORDING TO WHAT STANDARD?” Your evidentialist pastor will be confounded and amazed by your presuppositionalist prowess.
- Randomly jump up and sprint around the room like you’re running the 100 meter dash. If no one has glanced your way for a few minutes, this is a good way to get all the attention off of Jesus and back on you.
- Turn on a James White YouTube debate on your phone at full volume. People won’t know you’re super-knowledgeable and holy until you’ve interrupted the service with a debate between James White and Bart Ehrman at full blast. This just shows that you’re too mature a Christian for the morning’s sermon, and you need a little more meat.
- Loudly declare how much money you’re putting into the offering plate. Shouting, “TWENTY DOLLARS!” as you drop your Andrew Jackson in the plate will definitely bring the spotlight right back onto you.
- Crash the morning’s baptisms with your best cannonball. Yell, “HOLY CANNONBALL!!!” as you leap for maximum attention-getting power.
Follow these 12 steps, and you’re sure to make a name for yourself. They might even be so convicted by your spirituality, they’ll kick you out. If this happens, shake the dust off your sandals (literally—do it right in the foyer so they’ll have to clean it up later) and move on to another congregation more deserving of your spiritual antics.
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